Prescribed Ettiquettes and Attitudes for TGME (The Greatest Match Ever)

Posted on March 26, 2011 by


# 1: Please don’t make tiresome bullshit political analogies. Lazy bloggers, opportunistic Aman Ki Asha-ists and op-ed writers, we are looking at you. It takes the gloss away from this mighty cricket match.

#2: This match will NOT defeat terrorism, nor it will root out any extremists on either side of the border. Also, keep away any lunatic thoughts of intelligence agencies cashing on it as a strategic asset.

#3: This match is not about peace or Kashmir or Hindus or Muslims. It’s the most important game, this sport ever conceived. Take it in that vein.

#4: Dear fair weather fans, welcome to your brief stay in our cauldron of madness. Please stop making references to the 2000 World Cup and other things that never happened, and we promise not to kill you during the first drinks break.

#5: Loser desi footie fans, if you’re going to compare this to ManU v Liverpool, El Classico or some shit, please piss off right now, you won’t be spared.

#6: Cricket will NOT be the winner. Stop even thinking of f**king saying anything related to that notion without the NOT in that statement. It really does tick us off.

#7: To all those who are bemoaning how cricket obfuscates the region’s real problems and how this match will be the proof, we are sorry your mommy never loved you..

#8: If you read about complaints of cyber orgasms, constipation, illnesses etc., on social networks in the remaining hours leading up to the match, don’t f**king complain. Live with it.

#9: For all those who are terming this as the cricket’s holiest war, End of Times, Judgement Day etc. we f**king love you. It is going to be just that, in that Colosseum.

#10: For Indian and Pakistani expats and homegrown fans now living abroad, we empathize with you the most. It’s genuinely tough being a hypocrite on face to each other while watching a Pak-Ind match together, so let’s stay like that and not bring each other women in verbal ways discreetly.

#11. A cricket match was never won through Facebook polls and never will be. Especially, when it is the Grand Daddy of ’em all on Wednesday. So, take our advice and avoid these kinky heroics.


Article by Masuud Qazi and Ahmer Naqvi